


Leaving Cover

by ralf



Series: Close to Canon [14]
Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: "Enough!", Alec Lightwood Deserves Nice Things, Alec Lightwood-centric, Emotions, Introspection, Lydia is the literal best and deserves an award, M/M, Magnus Bane Deserves Nice Things, how tf do i tag this thing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-10
Updated: 2020-10-10
Packaged: 2021-03-07 19:07:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,263
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26932630
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ralf/pseuds/ralf
Summary: Alec can't breathe.[Alec's POV during the wedding in 1x12 :D]
Relationships: Lydia Branwell & Alec Lightwood, Magnus Bane/Alec Lightwood
Series: Close to Canon [14]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/936036
Comments: 10
Kudos: 88





	Leaving Cover

**Author's Note:**

> Since this wound up with a lot more Lydia Feels than I anticipated before writing (I just Love Her she is So Good) and I referenced a few things from [this previous installment of the series](https://archiveofourown.org/works/22736980) reading that first might help give context where Alec and Lydia stand in regards to each other and that whole marriage of convenience they've got going on.

Alec can't breathe.

It shouldn't be. He should be able to draw air into his lungs, to keep his hands steady, to still his wildly beating heart. To continue the ceremony. But he is frozen.

Nothing has changed in the few endless moments since Magnus entered the chapel and yet it feels like everything Alec knew is crumbling to dust around him. How can this be? He was sure what to do not five seconds prior. There was no doubt in his mind what needed to be done. He was nervous but certain. Accepting of his fate. The presence of one person shouldn't have that much sway.

But it does. Alec can't breathe. He can't look away. He can't move.

He has to though. As the silence drags on the tension pulls tight, forcing him to take action. He _needs_ to salvage the situation. He needs to get things back on track. He needs to--

Everything is happening so fast. His mother gets up and tries to make Magnus leave.

“I'll leave if he asks me to.” Magnus's tone books no argument. He takes three more steps towards Alec before he comes to a halt.

All Alec can do is stare.

Magnus's eyes, harsh from telling Maryse off, warm when they find Alec's again. He is always looking at Alec with a softness he has done nothing to earn. No demand, no pressure. Just a quiet sense of attention, of _seeing_ Alec and waiting for him to figure out what he will do next.

Alec had a plan. He was going to wed Lydia to secure the Institute. He was going to clean up the mess his parents caused by sacrificing his civil status. He remembers telling his father that he was going to fix what they broke on his own terms, and he did. Choosing Lydia against their will instead of settling for whatever horrible woman they had in store for him in Idris was a victory. It was almost enough to make him forget that while winning the battle he still lost the war because he never wanted to marry, not like _this_.

It's impossible to forget when what he really wants is staring him down from the end of the aisle.

And yet, nothing has changed. Alec can't have what he wants. That has always been true and he's always known that. No matter how close he might have gotten, out of reach means out of reach and he had _accepted_ that years ago, he was about to let Lydia draw a wedded union rune on his wrist so why can't he _breathe_.

“Are you gonna be okay, buddy?” Jace asks behind him. There's nothing but concern in his voice.

Alec can't breathe.

“Alec?” Lydia tilts her head slightly to catch his gaze. It's what finally makes Alec turn away from Magnus.

Lydia tries a reassuring smile but it sits wrongly on her lips. Too bright. Her eyes are brimming with nerves. “Hey,” she says. She's waiting for his reaction, for his action.

She did that before, too, before starting to draw the rune on his wrist. He confirmed with a strained smile then. He can't now. He can't even keep meeting her eyes.

“I... I can't breathe.”

Lydia's demeanor eases a bit. “I know. It's okay,” she assures him.

Alec realizes then that she doesn't. She thinks he's like this because Magnus's presence and his reaction to it have more or less spelled out his secret to everyone in the room. She thinks he's like this over proceeding when everyone in attendance will know this marriage is nothing but a scam. She's assuring him that she's still willing to stand by him, despite his shame. To do this. To marry.

He can ignore everything else and stick to the plan. He can have the life he resigned himself to having.

“I can't do this.”

The words shock him as much as Lydia. She regains control over her emotions immediately but Alec still sees her smile dim, her eyes flicker. Her dream shatter.

Guilt churns in Alec's stomach, tightens his chest. But he can breathe again.

“I thought we were doing the right thing but... this isn't it.” It barely expresses what he means to say. He's grasping for a different way to phrase it but Lydia is quicker.

“You don't have to explain,” she says without a hint of accusation.

She's been so kind to him and he's repaying her with disappointment and going back on his word. It pains him to hurt her like this but he can't go through with this marriage. He just _can't_. He'll have to find something else to make it up to her. “Lydia, I'm sorry.”

“Hey,” Lydia says again but now her smile is smaller, genuine, soothing. She reaches up to stroke a thumb over his cheek and the touch grounds him, just like it did last time. “You deserve to be happy.” As if it's a simple truth. As if it isn't something Alec is only now starting to believe himself.

He musters up a grateful smile for Lydia. Like hers it is small but genuine.

Hers widens in response. “Okay? I'll be fine.”

 _Fine_ is an exaggeration for his sake, Alec knows that. He's aware what Lydia stood to gain from their connection. But he respects Lydia's decision, like she respected his.

Slowly awareness settles in. He is free now.

Lydia's hand drops to his shoulder, falls away entirely when he turns towards the room, his parents, the guests. Magnus.

Everyone is looking at him. It doesn't scare him anymore. His gaze wanders over the seat rows full of unfamiliar faces. All these people don't care about him and he doesn't care about them. It's time to stop their opinions from holding him back.

There's only one person whose opinion matters right now.

Magnus is still halfway down the aisle, unmoving on the red carpet framed by two golden wedded union runes. He blinks when Alec catches his eyes again. His chin lifts imperceptibly, half daring, half curious.

Alec steps down the dais and Magnus's eyes widen a fraction, the confidence he entered the chapel with allowing for a sliver of vulnerability to shimmer through.

It hardens Alec's resolve. He doesn't know what for, but he knows that he's kept Magnus waiting long enough. He's kept them both waiting long enough.

He walks down the aisle.

His mother stalks towards him furiously. “Alec, what are you doing?” she snaps.

Alec doesn't bother slowing down, or looking away from Magnus. “Enough.”

He's done with this. He's done doing what people expect of him. He's done living his parents' demands. He's done fixing their mistakes. He'll do what he believes to be right, he'll protect his family the way he sees fit, and he'll allow himself to be happy. He deserves it.

Maryse stays back behind him and Alec couldn't care less. All he sees is Magnus.

Magnus, who saw him once and decided he was worth trusting. Magnus, who has been taking risks to help them when he owed them nothing. Magnus, who has been nothing but supportive and understanding with Alec even when he was only harsh in turn. Magnus, who didn't give up on Alec standing up for himself even when Alec had given up himself. Magnus, who is bright and skilled and courageous and kind-hearted and beautiful. Magnus, who is looking back at him with equal fervor.

One more step and then he's right there in front of him.

And really, there is only one thing to do.


End file.
